Tips For Being French

After a little over a month here, I've compiled a list of the most necessary tips for not sticking out like the loud and obnoxious American you are. Don't think you're loud and obnoxious? Well, the French sure do. But they won't if you take note of the following (these are in no particular order):

1. Worship hazelnuts. The hazelnut is to France as the peanut is to America. They put them in everything. Candy bars, cereals, ice cream, sauces, pastries... you can find something noisette flavored pretty much anywhere you go. Actually, speaking of peanuts, I haven't seen one peanut-related product since being here. No Reese's, no Planter's peanuts, no peanut butter, nothing. It's all about the hazelnut.

2. Eat baguettes. The most important accessory a Parisian can sport is a baguette under one's arm. I thought I loved carbs, but the French take it to a whole new level. This isn't communist Russia, but bread lines actually exist here. People know exactly what time their favorite bakery has fresh baguettes and line up out the door to get them while they're warm. Every day. It baffles me that they need them right when they're warm, because even the "stale" baguettes are fresh. There's even a law in Paris that requires all bakery's baguettes to be fresh. They don't joke around here.

3. Wear scarves. The second most important Parisian accessory is a scarf. I've gotten used to wearing scarves so frequently that I'm starting to feel naked without one. Today was 75 and sunny and the Parisians were still wearing scarves. It's not a fashion trend. It's a lifestyle.

4. Don't smile at strangers. This is possibly one of the most important tips I could give. You know how if you're in the grocery store or washing your hands in a public bathroom and you happen to catch someone else's eye, you might turn your mouth upwards in a halfhearted smile? Don't ever do that here. It's not that Parisians don't smile, because that's not at all the case. The smile is something only exchanged between non-strangers and if you smile to someone whom you don't know, it's a way of saying "let's not be strangers". If you're a man and you do this, you'll be seen as a pervert. If you're a woman and you do this, strangers will think you're a strumpet.

5. Always say hello/goodbye when entering/exiting a shop. This is the biggest mistake made by Americans and often makes us seem rude. When you enter a small shop, look for the store owner and say "bonjour". Even if you browse around and don't buy anything, make sure to say "au revoir" upon leaving. If you throw a "bon journée" in there, you'll get extra brownie points.

6. Give exact change as much as you possibly can. I'm working on a theory that Paris is undergoing some sort of coin shortage. Why else would cashiers and merchants get so unbelievably put-off by having to give change? One time at the University, we were all getting lunch and my classmate just wanted a 1 euro bottle of water. When she got to the cash register and handed the lady a 10 euro note, the lady said "Non. Prochaine!" (Nope. Next!) If you give exact change, a cashier will give you googly eyes, smile, and say "C'est parfait! Merci beaucoup madamoiselle! Au revoir! Bon journée!". When you give a bill that's a couple euros more than your total, make sure you apologize while handing the money over. If you try breaking a 20 over something that costs less than 10 euros, head for the hills because crucifixion may be in your near future.

7. Don't tip at a restaurant. Tip is already included on any menu price. That being said, waiters don't have to put on a smile to get money. I've not once had a waiter here who introduced themselves or said anything relatively friendly. They just show up at your table, write down what you request, then bring your order to the kitchen. They don't ever come around to "see how everything's tasting" or anything like that.  If service is outstanding (which it rarely is), it's okay to leave maybe one euro on the table. Other than that, don't worry about the tip.

8. Don't wear tennis shoes, sweats, or T shirts if you're not exercising. Nothing will target you an American faster than these three articles of clothing. America is an extremely casual country when it comes to acceptable clothes. It's unheard of in France to even go to the grocery store in your Sunday Sweats. If you do so, you'll probably get looked at like you're a martian.

9. Engage in PDA (public displays of affection). Even after a month of being here, this one still disgusts me. There must be something in the air in the City of Love that messes with people's common sense and makes them think it's okay to kiss and fondle wherever they please. Particularly on the métro. Nothing screams "I love you, let's kiss" like a crowded, dirty train full of strangers who would all rather be elsewhere. Nobody wants to see that, people.

10. Smoke. There must be something in the air that also makes Parisians think that they're impervious to lung cancer. They are really a few decades behind on this one. There's no minimum age to smoke and far too many people do it. Even worse, it's totally acceptable to blow the smoke anywhere and completely disregard who may be around to breathe it in. It's incredibly frustrating when I go jogging, only to get a big lung-full of cigarette smoke every other time I inhale.

Follow these ten steps and you're as close to a Parisian as it gets. Actually, please don't follow numbers nine and ten. Those gross me out. As far as those ones are concerned, it's probably better to be 100% Amer. I. Can

Affectueusement,

Katie